Suddenly I was slipping. It was on the freeway. Fear was a spider crawling up my spine, and on it's back was Despair. I turned up the radio full blast. Pop, Christian Pop. Anything to regain my footing. But I was skidding. That thing was coming close to my neck. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm… Continue reading Diary Entry of a Panic Attack
I think about Narnia and its castles and creatures. The wonderment and adventure at every turn. Monarchs and their gown. Ah. Then I am stripped of the dream when modern life snaps it’s fingers at my face. The boss asked for the sales report. I give it to him and have another ten minutes to… Continue reading Let me daydream, already!
How an anxious 24-year-old insomniac falls asleep at night.
Somewhere it's said that humans will always want more when the best thing we can do is be content. I believe that it is a dangerous saying that makes us our deepest longings seem like nothing worth enough to really address. So are you telling me that I must stuff these yearnings away because it… Continue reading I Want Too Much From This Life, God, and More.
My body seems to know when I need to be somewhere at a certain time. Because last night mom texted me and said she would drive up from San Jose to meet me for breakfast in Daly City, where I now live to be close to work, and I woke up at 7 am sharp… Continue reading Mother Came to Visit and I Realized Maybe I was Lonely
I walk with my suitcase into the wilderness, where I'm afraid only the loneliness of a city, filled with people with their own things to do, awaits me. But You Will Never Leave Me. You Are Waiting There Already.
When you remember ice skating, you'll remember skating with someone you loved on your birthday at the Staple Center in Los Angeles if that's what you had happened to do. And it will hurt to remember this if he ended up abusing and throwing away your heart a year or so later. It doesn't go… Continue reading Replace a Sad Memory with a Good One
This morning of the 25th, I wake up with a slight cringe and feel that hollow in my chest again. Like an automaton, I pick up my iPhone and scroll through vapid posts of gel nails and Jimmy Fallon talk show memes the same way one would pop a pill. Sufficiently distracted from whatever inner… Continue reading A Cool Towel on Christmas Morning
I have one distinct snapshot of my earliest memory. One that foretold what the rest of my internal and relational reality would look like. I'm throwing a tantrum on the floor of a daycare, pointing at a couple girls and a boy who are playing together. For some reason, they do not include me. They… Continue reading A Toddler Crying Becomes an Adult, Crying.