How do I even hope to live in a “manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ?”
My ways are so naturally decrepit and self-seeking. I do what I do not want to do. I sin everyday and more yet. Vanity rules my mornings. The pride of life rules the evenings. And I come back to the Truth late in the night and weep for where I’ve been and what I’ve loved.
My flesh runs with its desires, and I see the abject wickedness within me that makes me hate, covet, and strive for the prize of the world.
And in the light of your glory, majesty, humility, beauty, and Love-oh above all love- I crumble in hopelessness, shame, and despair of my condition.
How do I hope that I am a Child of God? When I willfully disobey the call to clothe myself with patience, gentleness, humility, compassion, grace, love, and more still, when I am evil?
I resent my fellow sisters and brothers in a Christ some days.
I hesitate to lend money.
I gaze in the mirror much longer and more meaningfully than I should.
What hope is there that You can change me so much, into a Saint and woman who pleases You, that You would not be ashamed to look at me when the time to return home comes?