I Want Too Much From This Life, God, and More.

Somewhere it’s said that humans will always want more when the best thing we can do is be content. I believe that it is a dangerous saying that makes us our deepest longings seem like nothing worth enough to really address.

So are you telling me that I must stuff these yearnings away because it is impossible? If I want a life of peace, laughter, joy, and purpose around me, and if that does not happen, shall I resign myself to the fact of what life actually is and not fight or ask? C.S. Lewis says that the reason for that is we are made for heaven, a place that fulfills that nameless thing that we so want and so need. And when I heard that, I sat down and decided to wait for death because the only time it was any use to name my desires would be the day of the grave, where they would be answered in full.

But I am alive still. I want it now. Here, in this life. I want the world to be right again. I want to request that parents be good to their children. That men help their wives and not hit them. I want friends to be true. I want a noble man after God’s heart and then mine. I want the rich man who wants another yacht to not take the poor man’s money. I need the world to become better.

I want to ask God to make the world right. But when I come up to His Throne and clear my throat, I digress and twist and turn and try to water down my requests because to fire a straight arrow at naming what I want is asking for too much and sounds so laughably unrealistic. It is a strange thing to ask for love, safety, intimacy, and prosperity in a world where so many live without it. The thought of asking for these things sounds ridiculous and selfish, like asking God to give me a parade of camels and ruby-bearing courtiers when I am well set-up with a teepee, hole in the ground, and enough dessert pear to live off of, albeit slightly thirsty in a dessert. I can still get by.

But I wonder. If I had the blatant courage to go up to God tonight and name in all honesty and ask for every single thing I long for: for my earthly father to go to church and believe, for a romance on earth that glorifies you, and a group of friends as loyal and sacrificing as Harry, Hermione, and Ron are for each other.

I am afraid it will be no because by withholding these things, I learn greater lessons in trust, endurance, and patience amidst pain and trials. But that is not what I want to hear. That is not what I want to hear. Because that means I have to wait until death and I walk to heaven’s gates to be at the happy ending.

And I wish for the end of all heartache tonight.

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