She Left Me As I Had Left You

A fair-weather friend whom I cared for dropped communication with me during a ministry experience in college. 

The second she passed me by without meeting my gaze in the quad, I could not believe the fickleness and unreliability of human relationships. And more unbelievable yet, that people invest in them, anyway.

I had prayed for her, consoled her when she cried and showed up when she asked. And then for all that I did, she decided to not speak to me again. Oh, we’d nod politely. But she was finished. Such is life. I was aghast.

Surprise turned to sorrow. Sorrow burned into anger. Anger into the decision to close my hands from giving. The nerve, I thought. I willed my heart to turn into stone because who in their right mind would put their money on a venture of iffy odds and terrible repercussions? Only idiots!

I began to think like a businesswoman. And as I thought about the ROI of emotions and friends, I couldn’t and wouldn’t lay myself down at another’s feet only to bear the humiliation of being spurned like that again…

….and yet, You would. Over and over, you have and still let yourself feel the infinitude amount of sorrow and crying pain that I had felt in that one rejection.

How is your love so enduring? That I could spurn you, turn my nose away, and even more devastatingly, trade You in for other loves, and You would search and seek me out knowing fully well that I absolutely would do all and more of these things again and again.

One friend left me after a year of friendship, but your beloved disciple left You after years of brotherhood. Generations and billions upon billions outnumbering the stars in the sky whom you loved and died for have forsaken You.

And yet how bottomless Your Love, a wonder that has been compared to an ocean in many songs and quotes, which cannot hold a candle to the real thing. I can only fathom the Grace and Everlasting Love that overcame such betrayal and despair in the ancient days of B.C. and the present age.

And for all my “never again”‘s and cynicism and proclaims that I’d rather die of selfishness than love a friend again, the more I fathom Your unflinching desire for me, the more I feel my hands and heart opening up to love and to hurt…once again.

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