Do I have to go out, Father? Tell me.

What damage am I doing when I say “no” to meeting people? If I were normal and didn’t have a philosophical meltdown every time I made a decision, I would just say “no, don’t feel like it”, and that would be that.

But rather, I am a sensitive and on-edge moral philosopher of a Christian girl-woman who cares too much about how she’s doing behaviorally speaking, so I think about the Bible, community, and how every little decision I make to not be with other believers could possibly wreck everything good Jesus is trying to do in my life.

Community. Christian buzzword? I think maybe! What does that look like for me when it’s Friday night, and I would like nothing more than to tuck myself in bed with an Alice Hoffman book and at least seven stray pens and pencils still lost in my bedding and poking at my lower back.

Is this selfishness, to enjoy myself alone?

Am I strengthening the Kingdom by going out and salsa dancing with my fellow sisters in Christ when I would honestly feel sucky about my being there and not in bed with a book? I honestly don’t think so. Ugh, BUT there was this sermon that talked about how important physical presence is in relationships. But then God also said he was totally not against locking yourself in your room to pray.

I just read over this and realize that the answer is balance: knowing when it’s good to bond with people and when it’s time to fall back and spend time alone or with The Book. Yes. How do I do that? How do I not involve guilt and realize that I am simply a human being desperately grabbing the coattails of Jesus Christ and can’t be perfect at understanding this yet?

Jesus (probably): It takes time. I’m not a Doordash food deliverer. I don’t ping you and suddenly you have all the goods.

Wow, starting a blog is a great thing to do. I answer my own questions. Now to actually do this and patiently wait on God’s work in me instead of forcing myself to adopt perfection.

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